So two days ago, my children’s father proposed to me. We’ve been together for all of my adult life, 18 years to be exact. I definitely wasn’t expecting an proposal. Here’s my story..
So I come home from work on Thursday morning and he’s like. ” I called your mom”. Now I’m looking at him with the side eye all confused and what not. I asked why and he says because he had a dream about her. When people have dreams about people for the most part it’s not good. But he assured me that it was a good dream.
So I thought to myself but why did he call her. They have no type of relationship whatsoever. He walks away and comes back and asked if she’d called me to tell me she received a call from him. I said no and he walks away again. I just did 12 hours at work, I’m extremely tired. He has me looking at him crazy now.
When he returned he got on one knee and pulled out a little grey box. I don’t remember my exact words but they were something like stop playing, no you’re not. And then he starts to cry. I’m like no don’t cry and I pull him closer. He says I took the ring and put it on my own finger. I don’t remember that! But hell maybe I did, he was crying right.
I went through so many emotions at that very moment. I went from being shocked, happy, nervous, scared, nauseous and confused. I was confused as hell but happy. I’m thinking why? Why now? We have so much shit within this relationship is he serious? I texted my girls, and posted our engagement on social media.
Have you ever felt like packing your shit up, hopping in your car and never looking back? I’m am at a complete loss right now. Heart is heavy, eyes flooded with tears and no one to lean on. No one genuine enough to walk me, hold me and talk me through this. I don’t know what it feel like to lose a parent. But I feel like I lost my mother. Thinking and seeing these words, have me in so much pain right. I’m trying my best to stop crying but it’s only making it worse. I stood by my mother, fought for my mother when she was too afraid to and she chooses to play blind to the pain her husband has caused our family. She still wants me to act like nothing happened. How do I do that when he’s still around? How do I do that when he never apologized? For years I was so unsure of myself. I had no confidence whatsoever. Now I can walk with certainty and not give a fuck about what or how the next person may feel. But I can’t kick this shit worth a damn. It isn’t normal to have the man that for years molested me still around. Because I want to be a voice for other sexually abused children by writing my story my mother is playing victim. She’s more concerned about how I feel about him and how I’m going to portray them rather than understanding my pain in relations to it. Goes to show you he still has a hold on her. I swear I can’t stop these tears.
Last year I thought I was living it up. I went to every major concert that came to my city, I was hanging out more, taking my kids on vacations, but I put setting up our future on the back burner.
I did nothing but work, pay bills take care of the kids and repeated the cycle. I wanted to have fun. Hell, I had a ball. But I didn’t have my priorities together. I was just living life, but not planning a future for my family.
Looking myself in the mirror made realize, that time waits for no one. Every year we’re getting older and taking life for granted. We post our happening all over social media for what? Comments and acknowledgement? Wouldn’t earning a degree, starting a business and having college funds for your children feel like you did something? You can’t be proud of temporary things. You should be proud of something your children and children’s, children can benefit from in life. Have a legacy. Show them your work ethics and the benefits you all received from them. Being a ” Bad Bitch” ain’t it. Being “His Bad Bitch” ain’t it either. You have to want more.Stop letting these Love and Hip Hop type characters fool you. There are a few on the show that’s really doing the damn thing. But unfortunately too many of us are looking past them and are paying attention to the ones that want a come up. You have to grind for your come up. Make a list of goals and achieve them.
But who am I to give out advice, when I’m getting my shit together as well?
No matter the struggle, you have to fight! Keep your head up held high! Don’t let life suck you dry. No one gave us a guideline to thing called life. Live it and it boldly! Stop letting other dictate how you should live your life. If you know what you want, then go for it. Let go of the unnecessary things that has you planted. Spread your wings and fly.
I often say to myself, “I’m too old”. But had to realize that as long as I have breath in life body and am able to do for myself. I can and I will. Stop living off of someone else’s dreams and live you own!
“I’m walking into her life, like what?” I seriously doubt any female or male for that matter has this type of mindset.Hell, I could be wrong. Last year sidelines, side chicks, and side ninjas were at their all time high. Every song on the radio encouraged it. All the reality and some scripted shows glorified it. Cheaters were living it up and getting shout outs for their behaviors.
Taking another woman’s place isn’t always the reason in these type of situations. It’s definitely not okay to enter this type of scenario but shit happens. In most cases both parties are missing something. Such as affection, communication, attention, appreciation and acknowledgment. When you’re having problems within your relationship you tend to gravitate to those that are fulfilling those needs. You begin to feel whole again and Hearing from this person becomes a need .Unfortunately you also become dependent on this type of attention. Time to face reality, You’re cheating!
When she comes across someone who listens, understand and offers advice it seems innocent. You both are able to share information about what’s going on in your current relationships. In hopes to get better understanding. Hey whats better than getting advice from someone of the opposite sex right?
Speaking from experience, I never wanted to get out of my relationship and move in on hers. I wasn’t interested in having no more than what we had. For one karma is a bitch. Tables do turn and why would the next female (ME) be exempt? Two, I wanted my relationship to work out believe it or not. I got emotionally caught up with someone from my past and was wrong. At times I wish I could turn back time and fix the mess it caused in between. But you live and you learn. Everything that glitters ain’t always gold!
Wanting to take her place was never the case, we do some dumb ass shit to satisfy our selfish ass needs. In return we hurt the people we love, that love us and fuck up a potentially good friendship. If we worked as hard as we did stepping outside our relationship. We could work twice as hard at rekindling what we have at home.
I’ve compromised my family, my heart and my dignity doing some stupid shit in these last few years. I became one of them and that don’t sit too well with me. I brought my past life into my present life and now I’m trying to bring light to my future. To be continued..
Is this sacrifice really worth it? Why are our men and women choosing a temporary feeling over their Families, Heart and Dignity?
It’s time we grow up the hell up and let go of things that are mentally and emotionally holding us back. For starters stop getting caught up in unreal situations, that you may have to lie your way out of. Many of us are diving head first by seeking attention outside of our relationships. We’ve been given a platform that allows us to stay connected to old friends, old flames and old history. One simple click, friend request, email, inbox or DM can lead to unnecessary “situationships”. We’re so engrossed with how the next person moves, how they’re living, and who they’re with. Unknowingly you began to wonder what if? Sadly enough these false feelings are affecting our vision and actions. It seems as though we’re okay with sacrificing our Families, Heart and Dignity for a temporary emotion.
Just don’t get to caught up because your girl Karma will come right along and smack you dead in the face.